The Legend of Zelda: Nose Flute of Time
by H. Listen
Summary: What would happen if Link was a not heroic, not so bright, scaredy cat, good for nothing, ignorant coward?
1. Chapter 1

A/N

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the Legend of Zelda or any of the characters, items, places, or anything having to do with the Legend of Zelda. I wish I did, but I don't.

The Zelda fandom needs more parodies. :-D I've seen a few stellar ones here already, and I wanted to try my own, so here goes!

OH! The reason the separation lines are A's is because the squiggly lines don't seem to be working. You know, the squiggly line on the key below the escape key? Arghhh! Neither do asterisks work, and I don't know why. DX

I wrote the beginning of this when I got bored one night. P.S. This story is the most serious, tear-jerking, and touching story I've ever written, so don't flame me because it's beautiful, flame me because I just lied.

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"Her _eye_, Link, her _eye_!" Navi shrieked in her shrill fairy voice.

The monster, Gohma, hit Link several times. "AUAGHH!!!" he cried, and huddled under his shield, poking his sword out from under it at an odd angle just in case the monster was stupid enough to stab herself on it.

Navi shrieked again. "Link, you coward! Get out from under that shield! You hit her eye! Isn't it BIG enough?! It's even _red_ for Din's sake!"

Link gritted his teeth. _Isn't there some way to get_ rid _of her?_ He got out from under his shield, took out his slingshot and attempted to hit the spider.

Five hits and a few cuss-outs from Navi later, Gohma was stunned.

He ran up to it and, laughing maniacally, hit it. It soon stopped twitching, and he _kept_ hitting it.

"Link! You idiot!" Navi groaned. "It's dead already!"

"Are you sure?!" Link said, hitting it with as much force as he could muster.

"It's DISINTEGRATING!"

"…Oh."

"Get into that portal!"

Link wrinkled his nose. "Bossy fairy."

Navi just rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Just get into the portal."

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"No FREAKING way."

"The fate of Hyrule depends upon thee. Go to the Princess of Hyrule, Link. Go now."

"Oh no! I'm not dumb. Navi's annoying enough, I do NOT want to play sissy dolly tea-party with some pink princess!"

"Link, hero," the Deku Tree sighed. "Thou art bold… Thou may become courageous, perhaps. The fate of Hyrule rests in thine hands—"

"Would you cut the Shakespeare crap already?!" Link raved.

"…Fine. You don't get to castle, Hyrule go boom. But—"

"Now I can understand you!" Link interrupted.

"Shut up, bold hero!" Link didn't say anything, and the Deku Tree continued. "The curse that Ganon cast upon me was a death curse. I do not have much time left."

"THEN WHY DID YOU MAKE ME GO INTO YOUR GUTS?!"

If the tree could have, it would have rolled its eyes at Link. "But before you go to the castle, you have to take this stone." A huge emerald appeared above Link.

He grabbed it. "Wow!"

"It's the Spiritual Stone of Forest, Link. Now go, for the fate of Hyrule, nay, the world, rests in thine hands."

Link didn't listen. "I wonder how much I can hock this for," he said.

"Do not sell that! It's a sacred emerald! You need that!" Navi ranted. Link scowled and shoved it into his knapsack.

"Good…. bye…" the Deku Tree said, and he began to fade. Link's eyes widened and he ran away. The Deku Tree looked at Navi and said, "I do not envy thine task, Navi the fairy," and the Deku Tree was no more.

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Link had been out of the Deku Tree's valley and without Navi for about 10 peaceful, golden minutes, when she showed up behind him.

She was remarkably silent for about 5 more minutes, then she said something. "Where are you going?"

"The waterfall."

"Why?"

"To take a shower!" he said irritably. "I have to get all the tree guts off of me."

Navi stared at him. "…NO! We have to get to the castle NOW!"

"I'll just walk through it and rinse off, see?"

"You'll regret it later, hero boy," Navi warned, but Link rolled his eyes and drenched himself under the waterfall.

"See?" But Navi burst into tears. Link's eyes widened. "Geez, all I did was walk under a waterfall!"

"Nooo… It's the Deku Tree, he was the guardian spirit, he created the Kokiri!"

"Oh well! Some other moron will come take the job."

Navi ignored this. "Is my mascara running?" she queried.

"Uh…"

"Whatever!" she shrieked. "Get to the castle!"

Link didn't say anything more, and began walking towards the forest's exit. He came to a bridge leading to what the guard said was Hyrule Field, and began to walk along it.

"Link," said a voice, which wasn't Navi's.

He looked backwards and saw Saria. "Oh, hi."

"Link, I've come to say goodbye."

Link was unimpressed. "Is that all?"

Saria looked hurt. "No! I've got a present for you!"

Link's eyes brightened. "Gimme! Gimme!"

"Here, you creep!" she said, and hurled an ocarina at him.

It hit him in the forehead. "Awesome! A nose flute!" He stuck the mouthpiece in his left nostril and started blowing as hard as he could, creating a noise that scared birds from the trees and made Saria clap her hands to her ears.

"Oh, ewwww!" she screamed. "No! You put it in your mouth and blow!"

"Oh. I'm not putting it in my mouth after it being in my nose!"

"WHATEVER!" Saria screamed, and ran the other direction.

Link just shrugged, stuck the 'nose flute' in his knapsack, and left the forest.

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He had only just gotten out of the forest when he saw a huge owl, sitting on a tree and staring right at him.

"Hoo, hoo!" it cried out.

Link screamed. "AHHH! Please don't eat me! I'm stringy! Go eat the pink princess instead! Don't eat me!"

"I'm not hungry right now," the owl said. "But watch out tomorrow night."

Link sighed relievedly.

The owl began talking. "You are about to embark on a great quest, hero. You'll come across great puzzles, but you can't give up…" The owl droned on, but Link soon tuned him out and began thinking of how many Rupees he could fetch for that useless stone or the nose flute.

"Are you even listening?!" the owl chirped.

"YES!" Link snapped back. "Uh huh. Can I go now?"

"Ugh, why do I even bother?!" the owl squawked, and flew off.

"He's worse than Navi," Link thought, and began towards the castle.

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He ran along a path headed to the castle for a very long time.

Soon, night fell and the moon rose. "Brrrr! Why is it so cold out here?" Link asked Navi.

Navi snorted. "You're wet. If you hadn't walked through that waterfall, you wouldn't be so cold right now. I told you you'd regret it."

Link just shivered and grumbled some more.

He was calmly walking along a nice dirt path when Navi heard a blood-curdling scream.

"AAAAAAAGH! HOLY CRAP! SKELETONS!"

"Link! Hit them with your sword!" Navi screamed.

He stabbed at them for a while, and soon they died. "Whew!" Link sighed. "Thank Nayru that's over."

Navi settled back down to go to sleep on Link's shoulder, when she heard another blood-curdling scream. "AAAAH! WHAT THE FRICK! MORE SKELETONS!"

Those soon were un-skillfully slain, and Link began panting. "Do I have to do this all night long?"

"Yup," Navi said cheerfully, and went to sleep again.

Link was tired. He had stayed up all night fighting, and was nearly falling over by the time the sun rose.

When the last skeletons finally dissapeared, he DID fall over. Not asleep, just collapsed.

Navi woke up with a start. "Link! Why are you on the ground?"

The only response was panting and a dirty look.

"Ohhh, I get it, Link. You were fighting all night, weren't you?"

Link nodded.

Navi snickered. "You know, if you had just gotten into the river, they wouldn't have gotten near you."

"OH, THAT DOES ME A HUGE AMOUNT OF GOOD NOW, DOESN'T IT!?" he roared in her face. "I'll get you back for that, fairy, I swear!"

Navi drew back. "Sorry…" then burst out laughing again.

Link grumbled, and then could stay awake no more. After 1 hour, Navi could be patient no longer and attempted to wake him up.

She tried everything. Touching him didn't work, hitting him didn't work. So she began making noise. She screamed. She banged around. But nothing worked.

Then she shouted, "OH NO! SKELETONS!" Link not only woke up, but in one jerky movement, he jumped up, drew his sword, and screamed.

Navi burst out laughing. "HAHAHAHA!"

Link scowled. "Shut up, fairy."

"I woke you up because we have to get to the castle."

"As long as she doesn't want me to play dolls," Link grumbled, and began towards the palace.

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So how was it? Good? Bad? Awful? Abhorrent? Please review, or no updates! Yes, criticism is very welcome. Flames are welcome as well... I could use a laugh.


	2. Chapter 2

DISCLAIMER: I, as always, do not own the Legend of Zelda or any of the characters, items, places, or anything at all having to do with the Legend of Zelda. I wish I did, but I don't.

Chapter Two is up! Ehehehehehe! Sorry for the long wait, I've been kind of busy. But here it is, enjoy!

Still don't know how to make squiggly lines work. You're going to have to live with the a's.

Rating will go up in later chapters for language, but not now.

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"AWESOME!" Link cried as soon as he walked across the drawbridge and into Hyrule Marketplace. "Shops everywhere! I wonder where I can sell the nose flute!"

"Don't sell the ocarina—" Navi sensed a loophole and added something to that statement. "—Or the spiritual stone! We need those!"

Link groaned. "Whatever, fairy. Now what?"

"Find the castle!"

So, grumbling, he walked towards it.

Soon, he left the Marketplace and found a short dirt road, which was cut off by a gate that you couldn't pass, unless you got a guard to open it.

"Hey! Guard!" Link screeched to the armored man standing in front of the gate. "I'll give you a nose flute if you open the gate!" To demonstrate how wonderful and totally worth it it was, Link stuck the ocarina in his nose and blew.

Birds flew away. Bunnies hid. The guard yelled. "STOP THAT! No, I will NOT open the gate for you!"

"Fine," Link grumbled, and went around the corner, where the guard couldn't see him. "See?" Link said. "Can't get in. Let's go home."

"Oh no you don't!" Navi cried. "You're a hero. THE hero. You figure this out."

So Link just sat there. And sat there. And sat there some more. Until night fell. Then he got up, afraid of skeletons, but none came.

But a red-haired girl came and started singing. Link went up to her. "Hey! Shut up! I'm trying to think heroically here!" He peered at her. "Hey, I saw you at the Market!"

"Yeah, I'm Malon. I live at Lon Lon ranch, and I'm waiting for my stupid father. He went to deliver some milk to the castle. Two days ago. I'm going to pound him into the dust when he gets back."

"Oh."

"Hey, if you're going to the castle, could you find my father for me? If you do, I'll give you something."

"Sure, whatever. Now give it to me."

She handed him something. "It's an egg. Take care of it!"

"AWRIGHT! Omelets!"

"NO! There's a Cucoo inside!" Malon cried. And, as if to prove the point, the egg hatched, right in Link's hands.

"All RIGHT! Barbecue!" Link said, gazing at the Cucoo, as if he was deciding what was the best way to cook it.

"NO! Don't _eat_ it! It might come in handy sometime!"

"Oh, I get it! Like if I get hungry."

Malon rolled her eyes and resumed singing. Link rolled his eyes right back. Navi was becoming impatient. "If you were a little more observant you would have noticed that you can climb those vines behind Malon there!"

"Oh!" and he elbowed his way behind Malon and began climbing.

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He was minding his own business, walking to the castle, when a guard accosted him. "YOU KID!" said the guard, who threw him back to where Malon was. "And stay out!" the guard yelled after Link. Link tried to convince Navi that it was impossible to get to the castle, but Navi insisted that there must be _some_ way to and that he should figure it out.

"Oh, no," said Link. "This is going to take some thinking."

He thought until morning. Navi was silent.

When the sun rose, it seemed to trigger something in Link's mind. He gasped, then began to grin slowly. Navi began to get suspicious. "Link, what's up?"

Link didn't answer. He climbed the vines, and was careful not to catch the attention of any guards. "Link," Navi said slowly. "What are you up to?… Oh Farore, Link," she said, turning around. "No, you're not really doing _that_, are you? No, please tell me that's not… LINK!"

But before Navi could do anything about it, Link had stuffed his clothing into his knapsack and, wearing nothing but, was streaking his way towards the castle.

It turned out to be a remarkably smart idea. The guards were so shocked they were rooted to the spot, not even making an attempt to chase after Link.

He jumped in the river and floated down it to the side of the castle, where things were delivered, judging by all the crates. There were no guards at all, just a sleeping man in blue overalls. Link climbed out of the river and hopped back into his clothes.

"Hmmm," he said. "How do I get in?"

Navi rolled her eyes. "Link… If you shove those crates around a bit, you can get in through the wall."

"Oh! But that sleeping dude's in the way!"

"…You have a Cucoo in your knapsack! What do Cucoos do?"

"They fry up real well."

"NO! THEY CROW!" Ranted Navi.

"Oh…" He whipped the Cucoo out and it didn't make a sound. "Oh, please," he groaned. He set it down on the ground and it just walked off. Silently. So, he got out his nose flute and blew on that, as hard as he could.

"AAAAGH!" the man yelled. "Let me go back to sleep…"

"What are you—"

A look of realization dawned on the man's face. "OH NO! SHE'S GONNA POUND ME INTO THE DUST WHEN I GET HOME!" And he ran off really, really fast.

"That must have been Malon's dad," Navi observed.

Link didn't pay attention. "Maybe I shouldn't hock the nose flute after all!"

"Yeah, that's right. Now move those crates and get into the castle."

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As soon as he was in, he learned that he had not seen the end of those guards. He was forced to streak naked past them again, and nearly got caught a number of times.

Then, he saw the pink princess. She was in a large courtyard, spying through a window, her back to him. He quickly put his clothes back on. "Navi, if I have to play tea party I will kill her…"

Navi rolled her eyes. "Just get over there."

He walked forward. "Hi, pink princess. I'm not going to play dollies with you, so don't even ask."

"Oh my gosh!" said the princess, spinning around. "Who are you?"

"I'm Link, and I'm a hero!" Link straightened up. "Yep, that's me!"

"…You were in my dream."

"Don't tell me about it! I'm too busy to listen to a pink princesses dream."

"No, I had a dream that there was a huge dark cloud over Hyrule… And this man in black armor did—"

"Could you speed things up a little?"

The princess glared at him. "The evil guy caused it… And then you came and… and… I wake up."

"Yeah. What does a dream have to do with this? NOTHING!"

"Stop that! What I mean is—oh, just look through that window!" she said, shoving him towards the window she had been spying through.

Kneeling there, in front of the king's throne, was the ugliest man Link had ever seen. The ugly man looked at Link, and Link cried out. "EEEW!" he said. "That's horrible!"

"That's Ganondorf. I think he's going to take over. I know it from my dream… We have to keep the Spiritual Stones safe from him!"

"…Why?"

The princess scowled even more than she was already scowling and said, "Anyway, you have to go save Hyrule for me. Go get the other Spiritual Stones!"

"Oh, great!" Link rolled his eyes. "Man, no _tea party_, just another _quest_!"

"But—but—"

"Dreams are just dreams—and I'm _not_ going to run around fetching pretty jewels for a pink princess just because of a _dream_!"

"Please! My dreams have never been wrong!"

Link made to turn around and leave. "Comon Navi, let's go hock this emerald."

Then the princess smiled evilly. "With a snap of my fingers, I could have you arrested, thrown into a cell, held there for a few months, then fed to the Wolfos. So either go get the other stones… or don't. Your choice."

"You got yourself a deal, princess!"

She clapped her hands together. "Yay! Go find them and bring them here! We'll save Hyrule!"

Link rolled his eyes and started walking the other direction, and was stopped by a very, very tall woman. "I am Princess Zelda's guardian." She boomed.

"Okay. Let me go."

"First, I'm going to teach you Zelda's Lullaby. I sang it to her when she was a baby. It has special powers."

"Suu-uu-rre." Link rolled his eyes again, but go out his nose flute.

She taught him the song, and he played it. Just barely. With a lot of… _extra_ notes. But, he was allowed to leave.

The guardian, who he learned was named Impa, escorted him out, and said, "You need to go over there, Kakariko Village. That's where the next Stone is."

"Okay, whatever lady."

She scowled at him, then dissapeared in a flash of light. Link was amazed at this. "HOLY CRAP! WHEN DO I LEARN TO DO THAT?!" he shouted, but there was no response. He sighed sadly, and set off for this village she talked about.

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As soon as Link walked in, he was amazed. "And I thought the Market was awesome, look at THIS!" he chattered to Navi.

"Where we need to go is over there," she pointed out.

"But I want to—"

"LINK! You don't have a choice! Go quickly."

"Ugh, whatever!" and he began to go where Navi pointed.

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Please review! Constructive criticism is welcome, as are flames, simply because I don't care about flames.

No reveiws, no updates!


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